Have you lost your cool in the middle of a Bible Study? I have. We were a small group of six or seven of us gathering in the same Coffee Shop week after week for almost two years. The thread of my temper had been worn out due to some family conflicts. One of the younger participants, with whom I have had amicable conversations on other occasions – became visibly embarassed by my loudness. She said in her obvious fluster: “Calm down, this is a public place and we are Christians, please sit down.” To no avail. I had passed the threshold of utter frustration. I was misunderstood.

On the following week, I went back to the Coffee Shop. I gave each one my apology for my agitation. They each cordially welcomed me. A few months later, at the same Bible Study, I found myself in a similar predicament. I said to them, “I have to leave.” I walked out of the coffee shop. The following week, I proclaimed another round of heartfelt apologies. Since several weeks now, I have stopped attending the Bible Study. Not for the reason of my outbursts, but for replacing that time in solitary prayer. I was facing a fog of intense sadness. I felt that I had failed God in all my endeavors.

I scheduled meetings with God. Some nights, I would wake up and read His words from Scripture. I would ask Him to quiet my mind, so that I could hear Him speak to me. This went on for several days. There was Karina* who would pray for me when my endurance would fail. I had prior prayer contact with her, I knew that God’s holy Spirit lived within her. She would reply to my texts anytime I needed her praying. I texted her, “Karina, can you call me.” My cell phone rang. She began to pray like Abraham who was a friend of God. She told Him plainly what I needed, intermingled with simple analogies of word pictures.

Then one day, like the sun rising with radiance, the Light of Jesus shone all around me. My whole being sensed the joy of His presence. I knew I had to go on, having a fresh gift of faith, letting go of whatever He showed me to be useless in my life. I knew He had the grace and the power of His Spirit to support me to live as He desired. What love! God the Father in heaven helps me believe again, I thought. I wanted to keep on staying in close contact with Him. The Bible verses began to penetrate my soul with the Creator’s vibrant voice, I shall keep company with Him.

• Name changed

This deep sighing sorrow for severed relationships,

upset hearts in need of silence to hear Him speak,

the Holy One who said “My peace I give to you.”

Hearts cannot hear the Father’s pleading, still He waits;

Who is right, who is wrong, why succumb to error?

Is not the Light visible, will we let darkness in?

Come mighty Spirit of God, give us the faith of the Son,

Let us exchange our deathly doubts, to His words unchanging.

Come bless the Name with holy angels, raise your voices and sing

to the One worthy of honor, the Faithful, the soon coming King.

Shall I make this prayer public, shall I in secret pray?

Or tell Jesus what already He knows and sees?

Conflicting cares within my heart, I weep.

In waves of writing I swim safely, He stays with me,

He gives me hope, I see His face in tears,

some doubts and pain in me remaining.

On His body this Jesus risen are nail marks for me,

for the brother and the sister who cannot see,

for the neighbor and the refugee.

Jesus came to church with us, I asked Him to.

So cold was the morning breeze, I needed Him.

I gave Him all my fears, yet they would return;

and viciously steal my tranquility.

That night before I put my head on my pillow,

“Jesus” I said, “see what I read in Your Word,

A psalm of victory instead of anguish written for me,

the promise of Your prevailing peace.”

I saw Manoush* last summer at the Rose Garden. We were attending her neighbor Azniv’s memorial. We lost Azniv who was almost ninety. She had become a spiritual guardian to my friend Arpineh and me. We had her humor, her words from the Scriptures, and her prayers as we were crossing over the line of our 70th year.

I had met Manoush a few times while walking pass her front door to reach Azniv’s little back house. She always had that gracious smile, her blue grey eyes reflecting the genuineness of her greeting. Azniv had talked about her kindness. She had mentioned that Manoush would bring her the bulletin of St. Garabed* church every Sunday afternoon. I did not see Manoush for a long time after the memorial.

Three months had passed, it was early December last year. I was at St. Garabed praying at the back of the sanctuary, in front of the large painting of Christ on the cross. I sensed someone standing behind me. I continued praying, then after some moments of silence I turned back. There was Manoush praying. I would have walked away to not disturb her prayers. But this time she spoke to me. I did not understand her words. She continued motioning with her hands to her head and lips. I realized she had a stroke. My heart pierced with pain, I said to her, “I will pray.”

I saw Manoush occasionally at church. I knew where she would sit regularly. Another month had passed and we were in mid January. I was in line for communion. I had taken my portion of bread dipped in wine from the priest. As I turned my head to my left, I noticed Manoush close by looking at me. Instead of going to the right to reach my seat, I walked over to her. We forgot the solemnity of the occasion. Her face had a bright smile, I was smiling with my mouth open. There were many communicants moving right and left. We were oblivious of others. Our hands extended, we touched in the joy that God gives to friends. Here was a new friend, who had lost her speech but not her heart.

————————————–

* Names changed.

Could I reprehend the God for letting snake enter paradise?

Ignominious thought! Puzzling demise of all virtues!

Yet I have done it over and over again.

I pull my gaze away from this cumbersome thought,

and let my Friend help survey the blessings untold.

But when the snake becomes a crocodile…,

“No fear dear one,”

I hear Aslan say, in The Chronicles of Narnia:

“Call on My Name.”

He does have another Name on earth.